well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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