My balls are so social today.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize