A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
