He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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