I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
