I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
