i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
