your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
