Moan for me like Helen Keller
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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