You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
