It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
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