I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
