seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
