I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
