How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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