The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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