I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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