My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
