it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
