I hate your face
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
