Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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