good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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