My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
