my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
