I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i love accidental penises.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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