I wanna bring you to show and tell
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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