I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize