Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
