some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
