People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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