I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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