my shit smells like andre
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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