Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
