You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
