I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
