I think my fart just growled at me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize