You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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