I need help removing her.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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