I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
