You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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