I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
