Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
