Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
