After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
