david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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