I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
