yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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