Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
