Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
3pm strippers are depressing
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
