i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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