he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
