Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
