I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize