your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
