He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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