Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
