he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
